Anxiety

After publishing last night I sat and read through some of my posts from last fall.

My writing felt smooth and relaxed and just so very different from what I keep typing and deleting currently.

I suppose that isn’t surprising with the current state of things.

I have always struggled with anxiety. When I first learned that I had anxiety I was having panic attacks in my sleep which struck me as odd. Both my therapist and my doctor said it was because it was the only time of day my guard was down and my brain was trying to process and decompress during rest.

They put me on some pretty powerful medication for a few years for anxiety and depression so the worst of it melted away.

It wasn’t until the boys were born that I started having unexpected panic attacks. The worst times were when they would hit me while I was driving us somewhere and I couldn’t escape and I had to physically keep the car in my lane and follow the laws and not kill us. I would call my mom and say, “Help. It’s happening.” She would quote scripture or tell me what she was doing at work or just speak in her calm and quiet way and reassure me I was okay and remind me to breathe.

They faded again after a while. I don’t know why. Maybe life evened out. In the last few years they have steadily been creeping back into my life. I have my theories as to why. Honestly the whole world has felt anxious for the last few years. Everyone seems heightened and strung tight, ready to snap.

A pandemic isn’t helpful for someone already struggling with anxiety. Add in social unrest, more pandemic, and facing a season of heated politics and I am ready to turn off our internet and sell our TVs and technological devices. I would face a home revolt at that point and we do have work and school to attend to, so obviously that won’t happen.

All of this is to say, it is logical why my words aren’t flowing and I have to fight a rambling verbal dump every time I sit to write.

The pandemic is ramping up again in Texas. I have pretty strong opinions about it. But opinions don’t change things and usually cause problems. So I will just vent to Nathan and spend extra time watering my garden and making pickles from the bowls of pickling cucumbers we harvest every day.

And I will focus on my new visualization.

I have been listening to a variety of podcasts lately. They aren’t as upsetting as the news even if they are discussing similar things. Maybe not having a visual helps. Anyway, one podcast led to another which led to another which led to google searches.

I discovered a Buddhist teacher and scrolled through some of his meditations on his website. One pulled me in with the title: Mind Like Ocean. It is only 4 minutes long and has helped me quite a bit in the last couple of weeks. The basic visual to imagine you are floating in the deep ocean. When you are deep enough the waves at the surface don’t disturb the water of the deep. The waves are your thoughts and emotions, they can come and go without disturbing the deep stillness. It makes me think of the scripture Philippians 4:7 and the “peace of God that surpasses all understanding”.

I remind myself quite frequently that I am the Ocean and my thoughts and emotions can come and go without disturbing my inner peace. It helps. I take deep breaths. My anxiety is still high but at least I have a coping mechanism.

I woke up with a headache for 6 days in a row this last week. Tension headaches from sleep. Most settled into functional migraines. But sometimes, laying in the coolness of my room, I could imagine myself in that deep, peaceful ocean, and the headache would ease for a little bit.

My anxiety ramped up pretty high this afternoon for a variety of reasons. I went outside and spent 45 minutes watering my garden and harvesting okra and cucumbers and tomatoes. I pulled weeds. I let the summer heat sink into my skin. I haven’t been able to focus on some things I need to accomplish. It is what it is I suppose.

I think I will play the Ocean meditation when I go to bed. Maybe it will help me not wake up with a tension headache in the morning.