Sunday we had our Life Group Zoom meeting. We were discussing how we fill our spiritual cup.

Honestly, my cup is pretty empty and I cannot seem to find a way to fill it up again. But it isn’t just my spiritual cup. All the good cups are empty. The cup of fear and anxiety and worry overflows however.

I stood coping math for the boys this afternoon. It is Thursday and every Thursday since COVID started Nathan takes the boys to my parent’s house. (I work with them so they are part of our bubble.) It meant the house was quiet. I made the mistake of watching part of the news a little earlier.

The governor finally mandated mask wearing for the whole state today. The news asked for opinions on this and issued a poll. The overwhelming majority (70-something percent) said “Too Little, Too Late”. I agree with that sentiment. But, at least it is finally done. Overall the news wasn’t very positive, although I struggle to remember a time when it was at this point.

Needless to say my anxiety was ramped pretty high as I stood copying math work.

My thoughts turned to how I could fill up my giving cups…those spiritual and emotional cups. So I stopped copying math work and went to the guest room where my sewing machine is. I had a couple of masks to make and I wanted to get that out of the way. Even though I am sewing masks for COVID protection it feels relaxing. It feels proactive. But mostly it feels relaxing. I like sewing. I haven’t made much time for it in recent years.

I’ve started art journaling. And coloring. And working on some cross stitch Christmas ornaments I bought years ago.

I have plans to to make more pickles tomorrow and try canning some diced tomatoes instead of freezing.

These things feel like they are filling my giving cups…at least my emotional cup. The spiritual cup seems harder right now.

I admitted to Carole in a text that I feel like all the spiritual growth over the last few years feels hollow right now. Like I can do it when I am not tested like I am right now. I’m still reading and praying and doing the things, but they feel empty. It feels like I am just going through the motions.

I was listening to a podcast and the topic was about spiritual practices. If you practice over and over and over, one day, when you need it most, it is automatic and it carries you through that desperate time. I don’t feel like I have enough practice under my belt to carry me. But maybe going through the motions counts for something. Maybe it is part of the practice and one day I will wake up to see the results.

Maybe as I fill my emotional cup I will be able to fill that spiritual cup.

After publishing last night I sat and read through some of my posts from last fall.

My writing felt smooth and relaxed and just so very different from what I keep typing and deleting currently.

I suppose that isn’t surprising with the current state of things.

I have always struggled with anxiety. When I first learned that I had anxiety I was having panic attacks in my sleep which struck me as odd. Both my therapist and my doctor said it was because it was the only time of day my guard was down and my brain was trying to process and decompress during rest.

They put me on some pretty powerful medication for a few years for anxiety and depression so the worst of it melted away.

It wasn’t until the boys were born that I started having unexpected panic attacks. The worst times were when they would hit me while I was driving us somewhere and I couldn’t escape and I had to physically keep the car in my lane and follow the laws and not kill us. I would call my mom and say, “Help. It’s happening.” She would quote scripture or tell me what she was doing at work or just speak in her calm and quiet way and reassure me I was okay and remind me to breathe.

They faded again after a while. I don’t know why. Maybe life evened out. In the last few years they have steadily been creeping back into my life. I have my theories as to why. Honestly the whole world has felt anxious for the last few years. Everyone seems heightened and strung tight, ready to snap.

A pandemic isn’t helpful for someone already struggling with anxiety. Add in social unrest, more pandemic, and facing a season of heated politics and I am ready to turn off our internet and sell our TVs and technological devices. I would face a home revolt at that point and we do have work and school to attend to, so obviously that won’t happen.

All of this is to say, it is logical why my words aren’t flowing and I have to fight a rambling verbal dump every time I sit to write.

The pandemic is ramping up again in Texas. I have pretty strong opinions about it. But opinions don’t change things and usually cause problems. So I will just vent to Nathan and spend extra time watering my garden and making pickles from the bowls of pickling cucumbers we harvest every day.

And I will focus on my new visualization.

I have been listening to a variety of podcasts lately. They aren’t as upsetting as the news even if they are discussing similar things. Maybe not having a visual helps. Anyway, one podcast led to another which led to another which led to google searches.

I discovered a Buddhist teacher and scrolled through some of his meditations on his website. One pulled me in with the title: Mind Like Ocean. It is only 4 minutes long and has helped me quite a bit in the last couple of weeks. The basic visual to imagine you are floating in the deep ocean. When you are deep enough the waves at the surface don’t disturb the water of the deep. The waves are your thoughts and emotions, they can come and go without disturbing the deep stillness. It makes me think of the scripture Philippians 4:7 and the “peace of God that surpasses all understanding”.

I remind myself quite frequently that I am the Ocean and my thoughts and emotions can come and go without disturbing my inner peace. It helps. I take deep breaths. My anxiety is still high but at least I have a coping mechanism.

I woke up with a headache for 6 days in a row this last week. Tension headaches from sleep. Most settled into functional migraines. But sometimes, laying in the coolness of my room, I could imagine myself in that deep, peaceful ocean, and the headache would ease for a little bit.

My anxiety ramped up pretty high this afternoon for a variety of reasons. I went outside and spent 45 minutes watering my garden and harvesting okra and cucumbers and tomatoes. I pulled weeds. I let the summer heat sink into my skin. I haven’t been able to focus on some things I need to accomplish. It is what it is I suppose.

I think I will play the Ocean meditation when I go to bed. Maybe it will help me not wake up with a tension headache in the morning.