Today was our first day of co-op for the year. This is our second year at this particular co-op and our 3rd year overall. Last night there were alot of nervous feelings about today. As I was putting them to bed I told them that I was feeling nervous.
This year they are offering a Yoga class for the moms. I signed up. Yoga is something that I want to do but never make time for. I don’t have time in my schedule to go do yoga somewhere. I always have the best intentions to pull something up on YouTube. But intentions don’t get you too far.
I told them I was nervous about yoga. What if I can’t do a particular move? What if I do it wrong? And deep down, something I wouldn’t voice to them, what if they are all silently judging me because I am overweight? I won’t share that with them because I refuse to pass along my body image issues. They might be boys but they still internalize everything we say. If they hear me constantly being negative about my body then they will start to be critical of their bodies. Some of it is natural and expected as their bodies start to change. But they don’t need to add my issues to their own insecurities.
I knew they were nervous. This is their first time taking classes separate from each other. Two class to be exact. They end the day together in a class. Dean’s first class is a science class he is very excited about. But they do group work. Talking to people he doesn’t know is a struggle for Dean. Talking to people who aren’t direct family is hard for Dean. I was nervous for him because this is a HUGE step. Emory was nervous about the theater class he is taking. He has never taken theater but is excited about it. Still, he worried that he wouldn’t read the part right or that the other kids would laugh.
So I shared that I was nervous and a little scared, for myself and for them as their mom. I also gave them an out. I told them if the absolute worst happened today then we could choose to not do co-op this year. Then I reminded them of the bible story we read last week and that I used to teach my Sunday School class. The story of Jesus calming the storm.
As I read commentary to prepare for Sunday school I happened along an article that said, yes, the calming of the storm is important, but there was another lesson in that story (as there often is with bible stories). The other lesson is that disciples weren’t alone in the boat.
They weren’t alone.
That thought has been with me all week for various reasons. As the tension started building late yesterday it was all I could think of. It became a mantra…or really more of a whispered prayer: “I am not alone in the boat. We are not alone in the boat. THEY are not alone in the boat.”
I reminded them again on the drive to co-op. And again as I walked them to class. Emory walked off with a wave and a “See you in a bit mom”. Dean hung back a little. His finger was linked with my hand. I squeezed it and said, “You are not alone.” He smiled, walked a few steps, turned and came back for a quick hug. Then he walked into class. And I walked to the gym to wait.
I spent the hour working my way through the first part of Richard Rohr’s Everything Belongs. I read and made notes and copied scripture. And constantly in my head, “They are not alone in the boat.”
And suddenly they both appeared with smiling faces. We ate lunch and finished up some school work. Dean said he worked with a partner. He also said it was nice to have a break from Emory. Emory has repeatedly said he was looking forward to separate classes for a break from Dean. But suddenly Dean was saying it and I think Emory felt a bit of a sting in those words. A couple of hours later when it was time for the next separate class Emory hurried after him and leaned in to tell him something. When he came out to join me I asked what he said (because they had been trading barbs most of our break). He said, “I told him I loved him.”
It was Emory’s turned to be reassured with some hugs and whispered reminders that he is not alone in the boat. He was so nervous about theater.
I didn’t see them after the second class because I was in yoga for our 3rd class of the day. But after yoga I learned that all classes were great and they were happy.
We won’t be dropping co-op this year. But I expected we wouldn’t when I offered the out. Sometimes I think we need to be reminded that we can change plans if things aren’t working. There is some comfort in knowing that there is an out if we need it.
I told my mom this afternoon about many of the days’ events. Watching Dean navigate classes without Emory and to know he felt happy at working with a partner when he struggles mightily with that. Witnessing Emory be honest about his fears and see the relief in his face when it wasn’t as bad as he thought. I think 11 is going to be a big year full of changes. They are growing physically, emotionally, and mentally. They are discovering who they are “without their twin”. I also think they are discovering just how deeply they rely on each other.
As for myself, I made it through yoga. She ended our time with scripture and a short devotion style lesson as we sank into “rest pose” (corpse pose). Sometimes I feel frustrated at fighting the same demons I have been fighting for years. I discovered that I am more flexible than I give myself credit for. I also discovered some areas that need more flexibility. And I was able to quite those negative thoughts as I breathed in and out…at least for a few minutes.
More Than Expected 