Last night Nathan and I were talking before bed. I have agreed to be a mentor for a confirmand for the coming year. I told him how surprised and honored I was that my friend asked me to mentor her daughter during this very special year. I said, “Out of all the women at the church, she chose me! There are so many amazing women at our church. And most probably have it much more together than I do.”
He said, “I think you have it all together.”
My husband sees me and thinks I have my life together. Or I suppose as together as any person can really have. So much of life is out of our control. No one can be completely together all the time!
To hear him say this…out loud…with confidence and without hesitation…I am not sure I can even think of words to describe how it felt and has continued to feel all day today.
So much of my life feels completely out of control. I feel like I am clinging to the edge most days. But maybe my perception is off. Maybe I am so far into my head that I can’t really be objective and see me as others see me.
This isn’t a new problem. My second year at college my suitemate confided in me during the second semester. She said when we first all moved in to the dorm in August she was intimidated by me. She looked at me and said I seemed like I had it all together and was so confident. I was shocked because she was saying things to me that I never thought or expected. Truth was I was terrified of new suitemates and fitting our lives together in the confines of a shared bathroom! In college I lived by the mantra, “Fake it till you make it.” I guess it worked. I pretended to be confident and at least one person believed that I was!
I have another friend who I value deeply because I can count of her to tell me to get out of my own head. When I start to spiral she doesn’t hesitate to speak truth and be blunt and honest. We have drifted the last year. I put most of that on me because I pulled back from everyone and everything in the last year. I have missed what she brings to my life.
I spent most of the morning cleaning and making space for the new cabinet Nathan surprised me with for my birthday. I love it. It is an old piece with character and beauty and it fits me perfectly. I cleaned and fussed with it for hours. I stuck a variety of things in it and don’t feel satisfied and I look forward to filling it and getting everything just right.
In the afternoon, mom and I went back to the antique store that Nathan bought the cabinet from. We went last week because mom found the store in her search for the perfect display cabinet. The store is full of treasures and old things. Last week I found an old secretary cabinet that I really liked. I wanted to go back and look at it today.
I like the idea of an old secretary desk. I keep far too much paper crap in my life. The more drawers I have the more stuff I keep. Stuff I don’t need. Stuff that clutters my life. I feel so ready to get rid of the clutter and have purged quite a bit in the last month.
Currently I have a big desk that was my great-grandmother’s. I don’t love it but it is functional and was free. It has LOTS of drawers. Every single one of those drawers is currently full of things that I stuck in there when cleaning up quickly. My friend calls it “the stash and dash”. The desk is big and full of things I need to purge. Getting a smaller desk kind of forces the issue.
Plus, I am ready to downsize from the giant Mac we bought years ago. It is old and slow and I can’t even remember the last time I worked on that big computer. I need to deal with the photos stored on it and it wouldn’t fit at a smaller desk. Forced clearing out is sometimes the best for me.
While we were there I saw a different secretary desk that I noticed last week when we were in the store. Last weekend the dealer was cleaning it up and getting it ready for display so I didn’t bother him. But today it was on display and it was so beautiful.
It is old. It isn’t too big. It has useful drawers but only 3. It has an old key that locks it up. I sat at it. I stared at it. I listed pros and cons between the two desks for about 20 minutes. Mom pointed out that it doesn’t really match much in my house. That gave me pause. Of course, most of my house is IKEA furniture because it is inexpensive and because of I have boys who aren’t very gentle with things.
I thought it over as I stared down the two different desks. They were very different in style. Finally I said, “One represents where I am now in life. The other represents who I feel like I really am and where I want to head.”
I chose the second one. The old one. The one that is English and has superb craftsmanship. I chose the one that represents who I feel like I am deep inside. The me who is becoming. My future.
I sat at that desk again in the store and wondered at its story. The dealer said it is from the early 1900s. I honestly have no idea. It looks old. It smells old. I wonder who sat at this desk before me. How many owners has it had? Were they male or female? What letters did they write while sitting there? What treasures did they lock away with the old key? If it truly is English, when was it brought here and how did it get to Texas?
I am part of its story now. What will I do at the desk? What will I write? What will I add to the story?
I love old things. I love the history of those things. I love to poke around old shops and look at old photos. There is a shop in Ardmore, OK (where Nathan is from). They clearly purchase entire estate sales and then bring it all back to their store to sell. The store is HUGE and full of so much stuff. Last winter I was fascinated by the photos and yearbooks and framed certificates. All those things represent people who lived. They had lives and dreams and goals. Part of me is sad that their stories end up in some random shop, no longer wanted. Their stories are lost and I wish I could capture them.
More Than Expected 