Author: Ginger

All of my small moments that comprise my life as a wife and mom of twin boys.

6th grade

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The boys are about to enter 6th grade. It doesn’t really mean much since we homeschool. We probably only know what grade they are in because they are grouped by grade at church. Then again, my former public school teacher brain definitely keeps up with what grade they are in!

Middle school.

Long ago I was a middle school teacher. I taught 6th, 7th, and 8th grade science during my years in public education. I taught 6th grade exclusively for 3 years, 7th grade for 2 years, and 8th grade for one year. I loved every minute of it…except for state testing…I didn’t like that part.

Middle school is my place. It’s funny to think I am about to enter that time period with the boys. It seems different. Then again, homeschool is very different that public school.

Months ago when I started thinking about the 2020-2021 school year, the plan was to follow the schedule we did this year. 9 weeks of school, 1 week of fall break. 9 weeks of school, 3 weeks of Christmas break. 9 weeks of school, spring break. 7 weeks of school so we finish at the end of April with an optional few weeks of May if we were to need it. This schedule worked great for us this year.

The original plan was to start on July 27th when Nathan went back to work.

Last week Nathan’s contract was changed and he now goes back to school on the 15th of July. Provided schools open with the increasing numbers of COVID-19 in the state.

The boys decided we should start then too because it gives us an extra 8 days to use during the school year. The hope is that by early 2021 we can get shots for this virus and get back to doing things in a more normal way. Those 8 days would be used for trips to the zoo and museum and such. Or maybe just a random day off after a particularly hard week!

I am a little sad I haven’t recorded more of our homeschool journey somewhere to look back at one day. But, we have 6 years to go so I might as well try to do that this year.

I think I will make a tab at some point for this year with a run down of our subjects and what material we are using. I am always interested in seeing what other people do and maybe someone else would like to see how we do school. This year is a definite increase in workload…as it is in public and most likely private school. We are closing in on the high school years and leaving elementary behind. I expect some pushback, however, we have also been implementing things over the last couple of years to help ease the transition.

I will post a link here when I create a landing page for our coming year.

Cups

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Sunday we had our Life Group Zoom meeting. We were discussing how we fill our spiritual cup.

Honestly, my cup is pretty empty and I cannot seem to find a way to fill it up again. But it isn’t just my spiritual cup. All the good cups are empty. The cup of fear and anxiety and worry overflows however.

I stood coping math for the boys this afternoon. It is Thursday and every Thursday since COVID started Nathan takes the boys to my parent’s house. (I work with them so they are part of our bubble.) It meant the house was quiet. I made the mistake of watching part of the news a little earlier.

The governor finally mandated mask wearing for the whole state today. The news asked for opinions on this and issued a poll. The overwhelming majority (70-something percent) said “Too Little, Too Late”. I agree with that sentiment. But, at least it is finally done. Overall the news wasn’t very positive, although I struggle to remember a time when it was at this point.

Needless to say my anxiety was ramped pretty high as I stood copying math work.

My thoughts turned to how I could fill up my giving cups…those spiritual and emotional cups. So I stopped copying math work and went to the guest room where my sewing machine is. I had a couple of masks to make and I wanted to get that out of the way. Even though I am sewing masks for COVID protection it feels relaxing. It feels proactive. But mostly it feels relaxing. I like sewing. I haven’t made much time for it in recent years.

I’ve started art journaling. And coloring. And working on some cross stitch Christmas ornaments I bought years ago.

I have plans to to make more pickles tomorrow and try canning some diced tomatoes instead of freezing.

These things feel like they are filling my giving cups…at least my emotional cup. The spiritual cup seems harder right now.

I admitted to Carole in a text that I feel like all the spiritual growth over the last few years feels hollow right now. Like I can do it when I am not tested like I am right now. I’m still reading and praying and doing the things, but they feel empty. It feels like I am just going through the motions.

I was listening to a podcast and the topic was about spiritual practices. If you practice over and over and over, one day, when you need it most, it is automatic and it carries you through that desperate time. I don’t feel like I have enough practice under my belt to carry me. But maybe going through the motions counts for something. Maybe it is part of the practice and one day I will wake up to see the results.

Maybe as I fill my emotional cup I will be able to fill that spiritual cup.

Garden 2020

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I made 4 pints and 3 quarts of refrigerator dill pickels today.

I still have a mound of cucumbers to deal with in some way.

It has always been a goal to be able to store up some of the food we grow in our small garden. A couple of years ago I bravely jumped in and canned strawberry preserves. It was our second year growing strawberries and we had too many to eat. I had never canned anything in my life but I decided if my ancestors could figure it out without google and modern technology and conveniences, I could figure it out too.

I followed that with peach preserves.

I grew tomatoes one year with the grand plan of making my own tomato sauce and ketchup. That never happened.

But this year I have 4 quart bags of diced tomatoes and 1 quart bag of spaghetti sauce stored in the freezer for future meals.

Pickles was new this year too. They aren’t shelf stable so we won’t be eating pickles from the garden in January, but it is a start.

We have plans to expand the garden this fall. I was going to fall garden, and I still have space around the pool deck where I can experiment with a fall garden. This reminds me I need to sit down and really measure and plan out what we want and use what we have learned from the last 4 years of gardening. The goal is more food. I want to preserve and store more of our own thing but I also like sharing with my family. I would love to be able to share with friends and neighbors some day too.

Learning to dry herbs is on the list of things I would like to learn too.

We have had a really good garden this year. My philosophy to gardening is to not fuss too much. I overseed and plant earlier than “suggested”. Then I see what happens. Most of my seeds hit the ground in late February. I usually have to cover them up once or twice, but the benefit to living in Texas is that we don’t get many freezes and when it does freeze it doesn’t last long.

Anxiety

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After publishing last night I sat and read through some of my posts from last fall.

My writing felt smooth and relaxed and just so very different from what I keep typing and deleting currently.

I suppose that isn’t surprising with the current state of things.

I have always struggled with anxiety. When I first learned that I had anxiety I was having panic attacks in my sleep which struck me as odd. Both my therapist and my doctor said it was because it was the only time of day my guard was down and my brain was trying to process and decompress during rest.

They put me on some pretty powerful medication for a few years for anxiety and depression so the worst of it melted away.

It wasn’t until the boys were born that I started having unexpected panic attacks. The worst times were when they would hit me while I was driving us somewhere and I couldn’t escape and I had to physically keep the car in my lane and follow the laws and not kill us. I would call my mom and say, “Help. It’s happening.” She would quote scripture or tell me what she was doing at work or just speak in her calm and quiet way and reassure me I was okay and remind me to breathe.

They faded again after a while. I don’t know why. Maybe life evened out. In the last few years they have steadily been creeping back into my life. I have my theories as to why. Honestly the whole world has felt anxious for the last few years. Everyone seems heightened and strung tight, ready to snap.

A pandemic isn’t helpful for someone already struggling with anxiety. Add in social unrest, more pandemic, and facing a season of heated politics and I am ready to turn off our internet and sell our TVs and technological devices. I would face a home revolt at that point and we do have work and school to attend to, so obviously that won’t happen.

All of this is to say, it is logical why my words aren’t flowing and I have to fight a rambling verbal dump every time I sit to write.

The pandemic is ramping up again in Texas. I have pretty strong opinions about it. But opinions don’t change things and usually cause problems. So I will just vent to Nathan and spend extra time watering my garden and making pickles from the bowls of pickling cucumbers we harvest every day.

And I will focus on my new visualization.

I have been listening to a variety of podcasts lately. They aren’t as upsetting as the news even if they are discussing similar things. Maybe not having a visual helps. Anyway, one podcast led to another which led to another which led to google searches.

I discovered a Buddhist teacher and scrolled through some of his meditations on his website. One pulled me in with the title: Mind Like Ocean. It is only 4 minutes long and has helped me quite a bit in the last couple of weeks. The basic visual to imagine you are floating in the deep ocean. When you are deep enough the waves at the surface don’t disturb the water of the deep. The waves are your thoughts and emotions, they can come and go without disturbing the deep stillness. It makes me think of the scripture Philippians 4:7 and the “peace of God that surpasses all understanding”.

I remind myself quite frequently that I am the Ocean and my thoughts and emotions can come and go without disturbing my inner peace. It helps. I take deep breaths. My anxiety is still high but at least I have a coping mechanism.

I woke up with a headache for 6 days in a row this last week. Tension headaches from sleep. Most settled into functional migraines. But sometimes, laying in the coolness of my room, I could imagine myself in that deep, peaceful ocean, and the headache would ease for a little bit.

My anxiety ramped up pretty high this afternoon for a variety of reasons. I went outside and spent 45 minutes watering my garden and harvesting okra and cucumbers and tomatoes. I pulled weeds. I let the summer heat sink into my skin. I haven’t been able to focus on some things I need to accomplish. It is what it is I suppose.

I think I will play the Ocean meditation when I go to bed. Maybe it will help me not wake up with a tension headache in the morning.

9 months

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In the time since I last wrote I could have grown an entirely new person.

If I could grow people anymore. Which I can’t.

I don’t know why I stopped writing. I was pondering that while I waited for this black page to load. I think it is because I scroll the internet on my phone. Phones aren’t useful for writing blog posts. Neither are tablets in my opinion.

Long ago, in the days of blogging, we didn’t have smartphones or tablets yet. We had to sit at a computer or with a laptop balanced on our laps. We could read and write and scroll.

I don’t even remember when I was last on a tablet. My phone is large enough that I don’t feel the need to dig it out and charge it. It is never charged because I never use it.

However, I find myself setting down the phone more and more.

Tonight I found myself at the computer reading a few blogs that are still around. So I logged in. I wrote way too many words and deleted them.

I miss blogs. Real ones. Not just influencer pages or ones with thousands of ads. I miss reading people’s words and getting a glimpse into lives different from mine. I miss sharing bits of mine.

On a Sunday

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I’m behind on posting my noticings and joys and quiet things for September. I am going to try and back date a few to get caught up.

I wasn’t looking forward to today. Church, a meeting at a less than prefered time, more church. It just wasn’t what I wanted to spend my day doing. The weeks are so full, and I know this week will be a hard one. I just wanted to not have commitments today.

But we went to church. Nathan and I taught the 3-4 year olds today. I love them. They don’t have hard questions. They want to hold your hand and sit next to you. They are eager and not too moody.

My meeting at church was for 12:15 which isn’t a convenient time for people who typically go to the 8:30 service and don’t live just minutes from the church. We didn’t make early service so we took separate cars. After sunday school Nathan took the boys and headed to my parent’s house for lunch. I stayed for 11am service.

We don’t go to 11am service. It is a contemporary worship service and it doesn’t fit our family. The boys don’t like the loud music. We aren’t really “hand raisers” when we sing. We LIKE hymns and tradition and quieter in our church service. I enjoy praise and worship music but I feel awkward expressing emotion while singing it. I didn’t grow up in a church like that. It isn’t that I don’t feel moved by the music. Some praise and worship music moves me to tears.

I sat in the back. I knew the songs and enjoyed singing along. I didn’t raise my hands. But worshipping in a different way was nice.

Dean’s name was on the screen for prayer requests. His surgery is this week. So many of our church family have reached out to him and us as a family to say they will be praying this week.

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Mom and I talked for a long time about the changes I am seeing in the boys, particularly Dean. He seems to have hit an emotional growth spurt and we are seeing a much more mature Dean. Not always. But it is there. Emory on the other hand hasn’t hit this emotional growth spurt yet and I think he is feeling a little left behind. I know he feels and senses the shift in Dean and doesn’t quite know what to do with it. Emory is often first, leaving Dean behind. This is new territory.

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Late day church activities involved a trip to an assisted living center to give them handmade soap in honor of Grandparent’s Day. Visiting places like this is WAY beyond my comfort zone. I feel sad about that because they are people and there is nothing to feel nervous about. Dean was nervous too. Strangers. A place he has never been. Those added together make for stress. We hung back. He watched the other kids. He didn’t talk to anyone and didn’t accept hugs. But he also didn’t hide behind me in fear. He was quiet and curious. Another sign that he is changing.

Both boys have decided they would very much like to live in an assisted living center one day. Dean is pretty sure the place we visited is paradise. Emory is now curious about working in a facility as an activity director. He would do well in a job like that.

It’s kind of weird to think about them getting to the age when they might need to live in a facility like that. I wonder what the world will be like 80+ years from now. I won’t ever see them that old. By the time they need assisted living I will be long gone. It’s hard to think about. It’s hard knowing there will come a time when they will be in the world without us. One day I will be in the world without my parents.

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I spent most of the day with an annoying headache.

Not bad enough to keep me in bed but enough to keep me from doing all the things I needed to do.

After Nathan got home from Saturday treatments we went out to eat our late Saturday lunch. We stopped at the hardware store for a curtain rod for the guest room. And since that is right next door to Target we of course had to stop in.

School supplies were on sale for 70% off. Amazing deal and I did a bit of stocking up on things I know we will use.

Late in the day I finally summoned the motivation and energy to work on the guest room. This is an important task because Nathan’s mom is coming this week to help me out with Dean’s surgery.

I did spend quite a bit of time reading a book I checked out from the library. Atomic Habits by James Clear.

It’s an amazing book and has my brain swirling in so many directions.

Even though I didn’t accomplish as much today as I wanted, it was a good day.

Slow. Easy. Quiet.

Friday Night Lights

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It wasn’t the first game of the season.

It was our first game of the season to attend.

We lost. Bad.

But it was family night in the press box so at least we weren’t hot.

This is the start of season 15 for Nathan at this school and season 22 overall.

I do love Friday Night High School Football.

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Today was an unremarkable Wednesday. Just a day. A week ago we were celebrating the boys’ birthday. This week we had a pre-op doctor appointment, school, work, and a church meeting.

Life as usual.

I sat down to write and just stared at the computer.

What was good about today? What brought me joy? What was worth noticing?

Mostly my mind is full of work worries. That happens when you have a family business. It’s all down to you and your family to figure out the problems or make it through the slumps. Because slumps are going to happen. Unless you are Amazon. And we aren’t.

I am also thinking about the school things I need to gather for their independent work day.

And co-op on Friday.

And all the things I wish I had accomplished today.

Sometimes I find it so hard to focus on just now. Right this minute. This day.

As I sit here contemplating, searching for some extraordinary part of my day I am beginning to think I underestimate the beauty and joy of the ordinary day.

The truth is, most days are not EXTRAordinary. Every day isn’t filled to the brim with excitement and Instagram perfection. We scroll social media seeing everyone’s best and most exciting. I am not the first to say or think these things. I won’t be the last either.

Each Sunday the children gather in a group before separating into their classes. They share prayer requests and “God sightings”. They here a bible story and sing songs. It has become one of the very best and favorite things on Sunday mornings.

Many weeks the “God Sightings” sound the same. A tiny 3 year old raises his hand and says, “It’s a new day!” or a 5th grader says, “It’s my grandma’s birthday.” Most of the things they call out aren’t huge extraordinary things. They are normal, everyday things that bring joy.

Kids always seem to get it don’t they?

We SHOULD be grateful each day for a new day. We certainly aren’t promised them. We SHOULD be happy for birthdays and sunshine and rain and new pets and vacations.

Everytime we express gratitude it is a prayer of thanks. And having a grateful heart is a “God sighting” to me.

I was up very early this morning because of our early pre-op appointment. The sun wasn’t even up. After my shower I walked out into the rest of the house. I went into the school room to see if the hummingbirds were awake.

The world was pink. The sun had yet to fully rise but the sky was rose colored and the world was pink. It was soft and quiet and I stood and enjoyed the beauty of it for a bit.

And after all these words, there it is. My joy for the day.

A pink world, the quiet of the morning, a few minutes of slow, deep breaths as I watched for the hummingbirds.

Return

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Yesterday I told Emory we needed to put up the hummingbird feeder. It’s about this time every year when we have one or two hummingbirds stop by for a few weeks. It’s only for these first weeks of September each year.

Last year they came about mid-August. I was curious if this meant and early fall/winter. It didn’t.

This year they are right on schedule. Emory saw two yesterday. He thinks we have a male female pair this year.