Anger

Anger, white and hot, burned through me. I fought to keep back the tears that were burning my eyes and succeeded. Hours later the anger is there, simmering and bubbling up at those that didn’t even cause it.

I have different types of anger. The kind like today that burns and makes me want to cry. The kind that makes me go silent with rage. The kind that bursts out of me with a loud voice and angry swears. The passive aggressive kind. The in your face kind. The kind that makes me regret for days, months, years.

A week ago my anger caused instant anxiety and an instant headache in the exact middle of my forehead. It later morphed into a migraine. I was caught off guard and questioned about a completely acceptable business practice of sourcing more than one quote. The person on the phone shared information that was never authorized and completely unknown to us and then I was made to feel like I was doing something wrong.

It still sears when I think about it.

Today’s anger was maybe more frustration at people talking around things and being obstinate just because. And then it morphed to more than frustration because now I was being forced to do something that made me super uncomfortable. I didn’t want to do it. Anger and anxiety don’t mix well. I think I was being forced to make a point. It’s time to step up and do what is expected of a business owner even if I don’t like it. It’s my job.

I sent the emails. I handled it. It was never a doubt that I could do it. I just didn’t want to and as I type it out and process it here on this screen, my anger wasn’t just with others.

I see that now.

It doesn’t make the anger less. It still burns. It’s the kind of anger that needs an early bedtime and a solid night of sleep to soothe it away.