Creating

~ Ginger ~ Leave a comment

Today felt long. Holidays rarely feel long.

I slept in. When I got up I worked on a project which I will share at the end of this post.

When Nathan arrived home from football practice we spent about an hour deciding if we were going out for lunch and making something at home.

We went out.

Then we hit of Lowes for some things to fix the sprinkler system, a new hummingbird feeder, and some pre-emergent weed killer.

After that began the long, hot afternoon of yard work. I mowed the front while Nathan worked on bed cleanup. I blew off the back drive. Nathan finished mowing the back and then went to work on the sprinkler system. I came in to work on the coming school week.

Then we promised the boys ice cream so we headed out again.

None of those things would normally make today long. And yet, it was. Not a bad long. Maybe more of a lingering long. One long last day of summer long. Quiet, unhurried, hot.

Today’s joy…or noticing…or whatever this month ends up being, is about the time I took this morning to create. I love creating and often it is one of the first things that goes when my life is busy (and it has been busy for 11 years now!).

I started this project earlier this weekend. I carry a Traveler’s journal with different inserts and I am finding it fits my life and my needs better than anything else. Two weeks I was skipping around YouTube and found different tutorials on making your own inserts. That started me to thinking about making my own. Which then led to thinking that maybe I would start with making the boys assignment books for school, because what we are using now just isn’t working for us.

Right before the boys’ birthday party I ordered a book binding kit with plans to do this project last weekend. I should know better than to make any kinds of plans on birthday party weekend. Needless to say it didn’t happen.

Saturday morning I pulled out some watercolor paper and my paints. I did a three color wash in each of the boys’ favorite colors. I don’t have pictures of this.

As those dried I sat down and made some simple lined paper and printed it out double sided. Also no pictures.

I had plans to work on binding the books together yesterday, but the grocery store won out. This morning I was determined to bind and finish these books so I could write out their lessons for this school week.

I watched a bunch of different tutorials so I don’t have one specific one to reference here. If you want to make a Traveler’s Journal insert just search that out on YouTube. Specifically I wanted to sew my inserts.

The book binding kit I purchased on Amazon was about $10 I think and it worked great. Once again, I didn’t plan on making a tutorial so I didn’t take photos of my process. I clamped my cover and the inside pages together with some binding clips. I poked some holes along the spine with a really sharp poking tool. And then I sewed it all together. At the end I used my rotary cutter to trim up the sides to make lovely little books. I do have final products pictures. I am so excited and pleased with how they turned out. I am already dreaming up my next inserts and journals.

Noticing

~ Ginger ~ Leave a comment

Hello September.

You arrived quietly for me. I took a very long nap.

On the way to the store you offered me a blazing red sun setting over the lake.

The light is shifting and the days are noticeably shorter than just a few weeks ago. Your sky is dark by 8:30pm now.

September doesn’t mean fall for us. September is more of a continuation of hot August. But the evening light is more orange. The skies are hazy most of the time. We won’t have quite as many 100 degree days, but they still pop up from time to time. It might rain a bit more. Or maybe not. And maybe, if we are lucky, we might have our first taste of cooler autumn days by the end of the month.

I think of all the months September is my favorite. I feel like I have always enjoyed fall the most, even before it because the “cool” thing to like. Before endless memes of Pumpkin Spice everything. I prefer the term autumn. I hate the phrase “Happy Fall Y’all” with a fiery passion.

September is always about transition and settling. August is hectic for us. But September eases us fully into routine. Even though it is still hot, night comes sooner. The trees look tired and a few early starts begin to change color ever so slowly. I don’t have to worry about the hustle of the holidays quite yet. So I let myself sink into September. 30 lovely days that usher us more deeply into the end of the year.

September feels quite. No holidays, except for Labor Day. But Labor Day doesn’t hold the fanfare that other holidays hold. Growing up it meant watching and then later marching in the Labor Day Parade. Now it means a quiet day at home, letting the last of summer slide away.

Years ago, in another space, I spent a few years writing down a joy for each day of September. It helped me to slow down time and notice this lovely, quiet month. I have thought about doing that again. But in writing this post I am not sure joy is the right word. Quiet feels like the right word. Or maybe noticing.

I can’t think of some catchy hashtag to inspire anyone to join in on my noticing. But I am still going to mark time this month. Each day, noticing the quiet of September, or maybe the joy or the beauty. Maybe by the end of the month I will have discovered my catchy hashtag. Then again, September isn’t flashy.

We aren’t alone in the boat

~ Ginger ~ Leave a comment

Today was our first day of co-op for the year. This is our second year at this particular co-op and our 3rd year overall. Last night there were alot of nervous feelings about today. As I was putting them to bed I told them that I was feeling nervous.

This year they are offering a Yoga class for the moms. I signed up. Yoga is something that I want to do but never make time for. I don’t have time in my schedule to go do yoga somewhere. I always have the best intentions to pull something up on YouTube. But intentions don’t get you too far.

I told them I was nervous about yoga. What if I can’t do a particular move? What if I do it wrong? And deep down, something I wouldn’t voice to them, what if they are all silently judging me because I am overweight? I won’t share that with them because I refuse to pass along my body image issues. They might be boys but they still internalize everything we say. If they hear me constantly being negative about my body then they will start to be critical of their bodies. Some of it is natural and expected as their bodies start to change. But they don’t need to add my issues to their own insecurities.

I knew they were nervous. This is their first time taking classes separate from each other. Two class to be exact. They end the day together in a class. Dean’s first class is a science class he is very excited about. But they do group work. Talking to people he doesn’t know is a struggle for Dean. Talking to people who aren’t direct family is hard for Dean. I was nervous for him because this is a HUGE step. Emory was nervous about the theater class he is taking. He has never taken theater but is excited about it. Still, he worried that he wouldn’t read the part right or that the other kids would laugh.

So I shared that I was nervous and a little scared, for myself and for them as their mom. I also gave them an out. I told them if the absolute worst happened today then we could choose to not do co-op this year. Then I reminded them of the bible story we read last week and that I used to teach my Sunday School class. The story of Jesus calming the storm.

As I read commentary to prepare for Sunday school I happened along an article that said, yes, the calming of the storm is important, but there was another lesson in that story (as there often is with bible stories). The other lesson is that disciples weren’t alone in the boat.

They weren’t alone.

That thought has been with me all week for various reasons. As the tension started building late yesterday it was all I could think of. It became a mantra…or really more of a whispered prayer: “I am not alone in the boat. We are not alone in the boat. THEY are not alone in the boat.”

I reminded them again on the drive to co-op. And again as I walked them to class. Emory walked off with a wave and a “See you in a bit mom”. Dean hung back a little. His finger was linked with my hand. I squeezed it and said, “You are not alone.” He smiled, walked a few steps, turned and came back for a quick hug. Then he walked into class. And I walked to the gym to wait.

I spent the hour working my way through the first part of Richard Rohr’s Everything Belongs. I read and made notes and copied scripture. And constantly in my head, “They are not alone in the boat.”

And suddenly they both appeared with smiling faces. We ate lunch and finished up some school work. Dean said he worked with a partner. He also said it was nice to have a break from Emory. Emory has repeatedly said he was looking forward to separate classes for a break from Dean. But suddenly Dean was saying it and I think Emory felt a bit of a sting in those words. A couple of hours later when it was time for the next separate class Emory hurried after him and leaned in to tell him something. When he came out to join me I asked what he said (because they had been trading barbs most of our break). He said, “I told him I loved him.”

It was Emory’s turned to be reassured with some hugs and whispered reminders that he is not alone in the boat. He was so nervous about theater.

I didn’t see them after the second class because I was in yoga for our 3rd class of the day. But after yoga I learned that all classes were great and they were happy.

We won’t be dropping co-op this year. But I expected we wouldn’t when I offered the out. Sometimes I think we need to be reminded that we can change plans if things aren’t working. There is some comfort in knowing that there is an out if we need it.

I told my mom this afternoon about many of the days’ events. Watching Dean navigate classes without Emory and to know he felt happy at working with a partner when he struggles mightily with that. Witnessing Emory be honest about his fears and see the relief in his face when it wasn’t as bad as he thought. I think 11 is going to be a big year full of changes. They are growing physically, emotionally, and mentally. They are discovering who they are “without their twin”. I also think they are discovering just how deeply they rely on each other.

As for myself, I made it through yoga. She ended our time with scripture and a short devotion style lesson as we sank into “rest pose” (corpse pose). Sometimes I feel frustrated at fighting the same demons I have been fighting for years. I discovered that I am more flexible than I give myself credit for. I also discovered some areas that need more flexibility. And I was able to quite those negative thoughts as I breathed in and out…at least for a few minutes.

The Eve of 11

~ Ginger ~ Leave a comment

Here we are.

11 doesn’t feel like 10. 10 felt big…because 10 is big. I vividly remember turning 10. I wanted my own stereo. It was cool. Grey with accents of teal, which is ironically on trend for 2019. Who knew I was so cool in 1987. It was fancy too. It could play records AND had a double tape deck which made it great for dubbing mix tapes from the songs I would record from the radio.

I don’t remember turning 11. It was just another year.

And it feels that way with the boys too. It’s just a year that we pass through as I stare down 13.

13 feels big.

Last Friday night Nathan got home from the football scrimmage (what I call glorified practice). We heard one of the boys get up but no one ever came into the living room and when we checked our bed about 30 minutes later, there was no sleeping child.

Saturday morning I asked if either of them woke up the night before. Dean said yes. He saw all the lights on and went back to bed. That is surprising because all the lights being on has never stopped him before. He said he went back to bed but couldn’t go to sleep because he needed to go to the bathroom. He said he waited and waited for me but I never came. (I was baking a second batch of cupcakes and Nathan was asleep on the sofa.) He said he finally got tired of waiting and decided to just go to their bathroom and then go back to bed. They both slept all night in their own bed (also still a struggle with their constant night wakings and their extreme fear of the dark).

I was so proud. You could tell he was proud too…and maybe a bit surprised by his own bravery. Maybe he realized that what I have been telling them for 2 years now is true. You CAN turn on the light and nothing bad happen. YOU can just go back to sleep when you wake up without needing me. YOU can survive the night because there are NO bad people in our house.

Go figure.

I told my mom as we were getting ready for the birthday party that I think we will look back on that Friday night one day in the future and realize that is when it all started.

It started with one night in late August. The turning point. The point when they started to leave their childhood in the past.

In the few days since that happened Dean is different. He scoffs at things that typically make him nervous or jumpy. He assures us that it is silly and fake or that he knows there is no reason to be scared. He carries himself differently. And tonight, for the first time ever, he voiced an opinion on his brother telling someone at church that he has autism. He was annoyed with him. Its his to tell and he will decide who he tells and when they can know. (He was quick to say “Except you mom. You can tell because you know how to do it.”)

I always thought the shift from childhood to preteen would be subtle and I wouldn’t really notice things changing. But both of them have shifted suddenly in the last few days. Obvious changes. They talk differently and carry themselves differently.

Don’t get me wrong. I currently have an elaborate layout of LEGOs in my foyer where they are in the midst of an epic story. They aren’t all grown up quite yet. Watching them struggle between childhood and preteen is pretty intense sometimes and I wonder if my mom watched it play out when I was their age. Maybe I notice it more because they are with me all day, every day.

I think there will be alot of changes in year 11. Changes I am ready for and ones that I am not ready for. Changes I will celebrate and changes I will mourn. I suppose that I grow up right along with them. My parenting shifts. My adultness shifts.

The eve of 11.

Happy birthday my babies. I hope year 11 is everything you want it to be. I hope that I am the mom you need me to be, even if what you need isn’t always what you want.

Love always, Mom

Almost 11

~ Ginger ~ Leave a comment

Tomorrow is the boys’ birthday party. For the first time we aren’t have a big event. From the 1st to the 10th we had big parties with tons of family and friends at my parents’ house.

This year they didn’t even want a party at first. The request was for Gigi and Pop (my parents) and Grandma (Nathan’s mom). I was pretty sure if we got close to the actually birthday and didn’t have some kind of party there would be major regret and sadness. Then they suddenly wanted a big party and I wasn’t feeling it. So I suggested going to their favorite arcade for a couple of hours with some cousins and a few long-time friends.

Winner!

Tomorrow at 1pm we will have our first birthday party at a place. It will be new and different and so much easier than what we usually do. Afterwards, our immediate family is going back to my parents for causal food and family time. The boys are planning for us to play BINGO. Big times.

Their birthday isn’t until this coming Wednesday. But with the party and making plans for our annual birthday field trip, it is a pretty dominant topic around here. And their birthday always makes me feel wistful and nostalgic. Like all moms it feels like time is going too fast. My tiny babies are about to be 11. They have been growing like mad lately and it won’t be long until they are looking me straight in the eye.

One of them (who I won’t name) is starting to get longer, darker hair on his legs! WHAT?!?! Puberty is coming. Their voices will change. They will change!

But of course they will. And really, it is okay. At least today it is okay. They still reach for my hand in parking lots most of the time. They still want to snuggle into my side to watch tv. They are still my little boys…today.

I am curious about the men they will grow to be over the next years. I wonder what their voices will sound like when they drop. They are firmly against the idea of any and all body hair currently. That will change. Will they want facial hair? The changes coming excite and terrify me all in the same breath.

I struggle to imagine them in 4 years, about to turn 15 and get driver’s permits.

I am determined to not wish away today in all of its struggles and frustrations. I can endure another giggle over the words fart and poop. I can suffer another body function joke. I can secretly smile as they giggle when we walk past women’s undergarments that hang in the stores. I remember my mom saying how my own grandmother would purposefully walk the long way through the department stores to hear my brother giggle at the women’s undergarments when he was their age. To hear their giggles makes me remember her and smile for a completely different reason.

I think I will end with this. This video sums up their personalities completely even now, 10 years later.

Homeschool

~ Ginger ~ Leave a comment

I haven’t talked much about homeschooling yet. We started our 7th year about 4 weeks ago. One month of school already completed. The boys are in 5th grade this year. We repeated 2nd grade because of their reading struggles. I say repeated like we actually redid all the work. I suppose a more accurate description is that it took us 2 years to complete second grade.

We did also hold them back a year at Sunday School. They didn’t mesh super great with the class they were in and in 3rd grade they could start acolyting. I didn’t feel like they were ready for that job yet and we didn’t want them to miss a whole year. It has turned out to be one of the very best decisions we have made. They mesh better with the kids in their current class and it gave them time to grow up a bit. When I think about it now I also know they would not be ready for confirmation class this year.

So 5th grade. For me 5th grade was the last year of elementary school. Many of the school districts around us do it a bit differently now. I have friends whose children stay in the elementary school through 6th grade. Other friends go to schools where 5th and 6th grade are in an intermediate school. Our local district follows that model I think. When I think 5th grade I think final year of elementary school. I vividly remember 5th grade. It was the year that wearing a bra was no longer an option. Most of my friends “wore a bra” because it was “cute”. (Insert big eye roll here.)

None of this is why I sat down to write about homeschool though. I wanted to write about it tonight because today turned into quite the meltdown for me.

A brand new curriculum is about to be released and I just found out about it. Of course, I have all of our school materials and we are a month into our year. But I have a master’s degree in curriculum and instruction. I cannot NOT look at curriculum! So I did. And…I fell in love.

The problem is, it is so very different than what we do now. We basically do public school at home. I taught school. I have two degrees in education. My teacher brain does school in one way. We have desks. They have books. We do one subject and then another. I have lists that I check off. I have spelling rules on the wall for them to refer to. School.

Of course we are a bit different too. We do Bible study and some of our course references God and a Christian view point. (This is pretty limited because I have issues with only studying Christian world view. And also science. I taught science. You will not convince me that science is a conjob and that dinosaurs roamed the earth at the beginning of the Bible.) We also don’t do common core math. (Insert another eye roll here.) We also learned cursive, although I hear it is starting to make a comeback to public schools. School doesn’t take us 7-8 hours a day. There are other differences but I think you get the main idea.

This new curriculum though, I don’t know. It speaks to my heart and soul. As I looked it over I started to feel a deep ache that THIS is what school could be. It could be more organic and less structured. I could inspire curiosity and the love of learning. It could be more than turning to the next lesson and crossing off another thing mastered.

It isn’t that I think there is anything wrong with the traditional way of education. It isn’t perfect but it isn’t inherently wrong. We have quite a bit of freedom in Texas as far as homeschooling our children is concerned. And suddenly it feels like maybe I am not make the most of it.

I expressed my stress to Carole and to Nathan. What if I am choosing wrong? What if another way might nurture my children better? What if?

My husband assured me that I am doing the right thing. I looked at him and said, “Says the public school teacher an super organized athletic trainer.” He laughed. Honestly, he will support me no matter the choice. I have that master’s degree that says I know what I am doing, right?

The more I spilled words into long texts and the more I thought everything through, the more it felt like I was going through a mid-point crisis. We are almost half-way through our schooling afterall. And a mid-life crisis is a time when you look frantically around and wonder if you have made the right choices. It feels like I missed my chance. If I subscribe to the public school method of learning we are at the point where it is time for school to become more academic and more intense to prepare them for life beyond graduation. More homework, more tests, more expectations! Elementary years are the soft years for exploration and alternative school choices.

Only, we haven’t chosen public school as our path. We have our reasons, but one of the main reasons is because Nathan and I both strongly disagree with state testing and the educational philosophy that supports it.

My brain has been completely wrapped up in this all afternoon and evening. After dinner a thought occurred to me, “Maybe this isn’t about a new curriculum. Maybe this is about me letting go of my tight grip just a little. Maybe my soul isn’t longing for something new and shiny and different. Maybe it just wants me to relax a bit more and enjoy the journey and my children as they learn and discover.”

I am not sure how to really let go. If I don’t have a plan what will we do? If I don’t follow the plan I do have what will happen? What if we spend an entire morning following rabbit trails as we study a particular state? What if we spend days learning about Abraham Lincoln because they are so very interested in him? What if I try out one month of that curriculum and see how it feels?

Today was a good day of school for us. We accomplished all of the things on my list. We tried a different spanish app because the first one I chose was a bit too frustrating. We worked on our state study. They did math. Our ELA workbook involved reading the Bible story where Jesus calms the storm. We also sat for 30 minutes or more reading history and discussing how pre-civil war United States has quite a bit in common with current day United States. It was good conversation. In science we played with magnets. I left the lab supplies out and they kept coming back over and over all day long and were eager to share what they had discovered with Nathan tonight.

So maybe everything is okay in our little homeschool. Midway through writing this post I looked over at the white board, which has not been erased. The picture caption from the Bible story is still written there in my very best cursive.

“Jesus calms a raging storm.”

Perhaps it is time to learn my own lesson today and let God lead me in the way that he wants me to go. Perhaps my mind is a raging storm because my grip is too tight.

~ Ginger ~ Leave a comment

I just typed out a long post. It just disappeared. I have no idea what happened or where it went. I tried all the tricks. Vanished. Gone.

Oh well, it isn’t like I had written some really profound words just now.

Mostly just rambles about my clean house and the boys’ upcoming birthday party.

I would like to start writing more carefully written and crafted posts. Sadly, right now that won’t be happening. I don’t have much time carved out for writing. In fact, the only reason I am writing this late tonight is because I am waiting on some laundry to finish.

My stats say that I have had a few visitors. It makes me chuckle because these posts have been giant brain dumps onto a blank screen in a public format.

It is what it is.

I have enjoyed starting to write more again. A record of my days. And really, my days are something super spectacular. They are just days. Days like most other people have. The just slip by, one after the other, and if I don’t write about them here then they are lost.

So, my brain dump posts will continue for now. Just me and the blank page and the odd visitor.

If you do happen to stop by and read these words, say hi. Maybe if more and more people stop by and read the words it will inspire me to craft better words.

September

~ Ginger ~ Leave a comment

Today I pulled up the long term forecast. I haven’t watched the weather lately. I haven’t even bothered to pull it up. It is August in Texas after all. That means hot, sunny, and no rain. There isn’t much difference between 99 degrees and 102 degrees.

But I pulled it up.

And, just like I thought: hot, extra hot, sunny, and no rain.

Then I saw it. The last day of the listed long rang said: September 1.

What?

How is September already knocking on our door? September 1st means we will have already started co-op, the boys will be 11, we will be post party, and the first football game will have happened.

I love September. September doesn’t really mean fall here. The first day of fall does occur in September but it will still feel like summer. Maybe just not the extra hot part anymore. But mentally I shift when September arrives.

For several years on my old blog I would write a blog post every day in September and call is 30 Days of Joy. At least, I think that is what I would call it. Since I am trying to write every day maybe I will start up my 30 Days of Joy again. I have a few days to decide.

~ Ginger ~ Leave a comment

I took down my post from last night. This morning in the light of day it felt too raw.

I woke at 2:45 am in horrific pain and in full on panic mode. Needless to say it was a long night and I felt off all day.

I set 16 goals for today and accomplished 8. Half. I saw that wins for a Saturday.

Now I am going to bed and hoping for a better night.

Finally

~ Ginger ~ Leave a comment

After MONTHS of work, stress, frustration, fear, uncertainty, and finally waiting, I received an email confirmation that our ISO certification is complete and we have been approved by the certification body.

I still have zero idea what ISO stands for.

I have been told. I have looked it up. I even have the standard sitting on my desk for reference. But I have yet to commit it to memory.

What it has meant for me is frantic work and learning to think big picture and minute detail at the same time.

This morning as we were doing school my mom texted that I needed to call her as soon as I could, our auditor had called.

I had a sinking feeling so I texted back a quick “is it bad?”

She said he needed to come back.

That wasn’t good. I set the boys to work on some homophones and I called. I needed to know what was going on.

It was a mess and I was frantic. He would be there in an hour and there was no way we could get there in time to be of any help.

It turned out fine.

And this afternoon I received the email that made me want to cry in relief.

This certification is a big deal. We have customers withholding work until we get it. We rushed through certification in about 6 months when most companies starting from scratch take 12-18.

But right now all I can think of is “FINALLY!” All the hard work and late nights and stressful days. It’s all okay…for a bit. Next year we start all over again with internal auditing and our 1st of 2 surveillance audits.

For today I will just bask in the beauty of success and gaining that certificate!