Today was our first day of co-op for the year. This is our second year at this particular co-op and our 3rd year overall. Last night there were alot of nervous feelings about today. As I was putting them to bed I told them that I was feeling nervous.

This year they are offering a Yoga class for the moms. I signed up. Yoga is something that I want to do but never make time for. I don’t have time in my schedule to go do yoga somewhere. I always have the best intentions to pull something up on YouTube. But intentions don’t get you too far.

I told them I was nervous about yoga. What if I can’t do a particular move? What if I do it wrong? And deep down, something I wouldn’t voice to them, what if they are all silently judging me because I am overweight? I won’t share that with them because I refuse to pass along my body image issues. They might be boys but they still internalize everything we say. If they hear me constantly being negative about my body then they will start to be critical of their bodies. Some of it is natural and expected as their bodies start to change. But they don’t need to add my issues to their own insecurities.

I knew they were nervous. This is their first time taking classes separate from each other. Two class to be exact. They end the day together in a class. Dean’s first class is a science class he is very excited about. But they do group work. Talking to people he doesn’t know is a struggle for Dean. Talking to people who aren’t direct family is hard for Dean. I was nervous for him because this is a HUGE step. Emory was nervous about the theater class he is taking. He has never taken theater but is excited about it. Still, he worried that he wouldn’t read the part right or that the other kids would laugh.

So I shared that I was nervous and a little scared, for myself and for them as their mom. I also gave them an out. I told them if the absolute worst happened today then we could choose to not do co-op this year. Then I reminded them of the bible story we read last week and that I used to teach my Sunday School class. The story of Jesus calming the storm.

As I read commentary to prepare for Sunday school I happened along an article that said, yes, the calming of the storm is important, but there was another lesson in that story (as there often is with bible stories). The other lesson is that disciples weren’t alone in the boat.

They weren’t alone.

That thought has been with me all week for various reasons. As the tension started building late yesterday it was all I could think of. It became a mantra…or really more of a whispered prayer: “I am not alone in the boat. We are not alone in the boat. THEY are not alone in the boat.”

I reminded them again on the drive to co-op. And again as I walked them to class. Emory walked off with a wave and a “See you in a bit mom”. Dean hung back a little. His finger was linked with my hand. I squeezed it and said, “You are not alone.” He smiled, walked a few steps, turned and came back for a quick hug. Then he walked into class. And I walked to the gym to wait.

I spent the hour working my way through the first part of Richard Rohr’s Everything Belongs. I read and made notes and copied scripture. And constantly in my head, “They are not alone in the boat.”

And suddenly they both appeared with smiling faces. We ate lunch and finished up some school work. Dean said he worked with a partner. He also said it was nice to have a break from Emory. Emory has repeatedly said he was looking forward to separate classes for a break from Dean. But suddenly Dean was saying it and I think Emory felt a bit of a sting in those words. A couple of hours later when it was time for the next separate class Emory hurried after him and leaned in to tell him something. When he came out to join me I asked what he said (because they had been trading barbs most of our break). He said, “I told him I loved him.”

It was Emory’s turned to be reassured with some hugs and whispered reminders that he is not alone in the boat. He was so nervous about theater.

I didn’t see them after the second class because I was in yoga for our 3rd class of the day. But after yoga I learned that all classes were great and they were happy.

We won’t be dropping co-op this year. But I expected we wouldn’t when I offered the out. Sometimes I think we need to be reminded that we can change plans if things aren’t working. There is some comfort in knowing that there is an out if we need it.

I told my mom this afternoon about many of the days’ events. Watching Dean navigate classes without Emory and to know he felt happy at working with a partner when he struggles mightily with that. Witnessing Emory be honest about his fears and see the relief in his face when it wasn’t as bad as he thought. I think 11 is going to be a big year full of changes. They are growing physically, emotionally, and mentally. They are discovering who they are “without their twin”. I also think they are discovering just how deeply they rely on each other.

As for myself, I made it through yoga. She ended our time with scripture and a short devotion style lesson as we sank into “rest pose” (corpse pose). Sometimes I feel frustrated at fighting the same demons I have been fighting for years. I discovered that I am more flexible than I give myself credit for. I also discovered some areas that need more flexibility. And I was able to quite those negative thoughts as I breathed in and out…at least for a few minutes.

I haven’t talked much about homeschooling yet. We started our 7th year about 4 weeks ago. One month of school already completed. The boys are in 5th grade this year. We repeated 2nd grade because of their reading struggles. I say repeated like we actually redid all the work. I suppose a more accurate description is that it took us 2 years to complete second grade.

We did also hold them back a year at Sunday School. They didn’t mesh super great with the class they were in and in 3rd grade they could start acolyting. I didn’t feel like they were ready for that job yet and we didn’t want them to miss a whole year. It has turned out to be one of the very best decisions we have made. They mesh better with the kids in their current class and it gave them time to grow up a bit. When I think about it now I also know they would not be ready for confirmation class this year.

So 5th grade. For me 5th grade was the last year of elementary school. Many of the school districts around us do it a bit differently now. I have friends whose children stay in the elementary school through 6th grade. Other friends go to schools where 5th and 6th grade are in an intermediate school. Our local district follows that model I think. When I think 5th grade I think final year of elementary school. I vividly remember 5th grade. It was the year that wearing a bra was no longer an option. Most of my friends “wore a bra” because it was “cute”. (Insert big eye roll here.)

None of this is why I sat down to write about homeschool though. I wanted to write about it tonight because today turned into quite the meltdown for me.

A brand new curriculum is about to be released and I just found out about it. Of course, I have all of our school materials and we are a month into our year. But I have a master’s degree in curriculum and instruction. I cannot NOT look at curriculum! So I did. And…I fell in love.

The problem is, it is so very different than what we do now. We basically do public school at home. I taught school. I have two degrees in education. My teacher brain does school in one way. We have desks. They have books. We do one subject and then another. I have lists that I check off. I have spelling rules on the wall for them to refer to. School.

Of course we are a bit different too. We do Bible study and some of our course references God and a Christian view point. (This is pretty limited because I have issues with only studying Christian world view. And also science. I taught science. You will not convince me that science is a conjob and that dinosaurs roamed the earth at the beginning of the Bible.) We also don’t do common core math. (Insert another eye roll here.) We also learned cursive, although I hear it is starting to make a comeback to public schools. School doesn’t take us 7-8 hours a day. There are other differences but I think you get the main idea.

This new curriculum though, I don’t know. It speaks to my heart and soul. As I looked it over I started to feel a deep ache that THIS is what school could be. It could be more organic and less structured. I could inspire curiosity and the love of learning. It could be more than turning to the next lesson and crossing off another thing mastered.

It isn’t that I think there is anything wrong with the traditional way of education. It isn’t perfect but it isn’t inherently wrong. We have quite a bit of freedom in Texas as far as homeschooling our children is concerned. And suddenly it feels like maybe I am not make the most of it.

I expressed my stress to Carole and to Nathan. What if I am choosing wrong? What if another way might nurture my children better? What if?

My husband assured me that I am doing the right thing. I looked at him and said, “Says the public school teacher an super organized athletic trainer.” He laughed. Honestly, he will support me no matter the choice. I have that master’s degree that says I know what I am doing, right?

The more I spilled words into long texts and the more I thought everything through, the more it felt like I was going through a mid-point crisis. We are almost half-way through our schooling afterall. And a mid-life crisis is a time when you look frantically around and wonder if you have made the right choices. It feels like I missed my chance. If I subscribe to the public school method of learning we are at the point where it is time for school to become more academic and more intense to prepare them for life beyond graduation. More homework, more tests, more expectations! Elementary years are the soft years for exploration and alternative school choices.

Only, we haven’t chosen public school as our path. We have our reasons, but one of the main reasons is because Nathan and I both strongly disagree with state testing and the educational philosophy that supports it.

My brain has been completely wrapped up in this all afternoon and evening. After dinner a thought occurred to me, “Maybe this isn’t about a new curriculum. Maybe this is about me letting go of my tight grip just a little. Maybe my soul isn’t longing for something new and shiny and different. Maybe it just wants me to relax a bit more and enjoy the journey and my children as they learn and discover.”

I am not sure how to really let go. If I don’t have a plan what will we do? If I don’t follow the plan I do have what will happen? What if we spend an entire morning following rabbit trails as we study a particular state? What if we spend days learning about Abraham Lincoln because they are so very interested in him? What if I try out one month of that curriculum and see how it feels?

Today was a good day of school for us. We accomplished all of the things on my list. We tried a different spanish app because the first one I chose was a bit too frustrating. We worked on our state study. They did math. Our ELA workbook involved reading the Bible story where Jesus calms the storm. We also sat for 30 minutes or more reading history and discussing how pre-civil war United States has quite a bit in common with current day United States. It was good conversation. In science we played with magnets. I left the lab supplies out and they kept coming back over and over all day long and were eager to share what they had discovered with Nathan tonight.

So maybe everything is okay in our little homeschool. Midway through writing this post I looked over at the white board, which has not been erased. The picture caption from the Bible story is still written there in my very best cursive.

“Jesus calms a raging storm.”

Perhaps it is time to learn my own lesson today and let God lead me in the way that he wants me to go. Perhaps my mind is a raging storm because my grip is too tight.